Elementary schools are filled with innocent little humans who long for nurture, acceptance, and loving touch, often in the form of hugs. Many children will hug any adult who is willing to reciprocate the cuddle. While this is a natural part of their development, I can't help but think that we are missing an opportunity to teach them the importance of consent.
As a former school counselor turned assistant principal, I have had my fair share of hugs. But more recently, I started to be more mindful of how hugs can be a model of consent for children. I work with students of all ages, some of whom have expressed to me in school counseling sessions that they don't liked to be touched.
But they have never been taught the language to let others know or haven't been empowered (or allowed) to say "no." It is fascinating to see the confusion on children's faces when they find out that they can tell others they don't want a hug without ruining a friendship.
I wouldn't be in the education business if I didn't love kids and want to cuddle them all, so this isn't a criticism of educators who hug. Believe me, it can be difficult to turn children away when they have their arms open for an embrace.
But when I started a new position at a school with a strong hugging culture, I observed the trend to be problematic at times. Hugging is an expectation, even when grown-ups are deep into a discussion about curriculum or student concerns. When we had an unexpected fire drill, I couldn't communicate with the first responders because I was draped in small children.
Although I chuckle at the visual of small children literally hanging on me, this problem is not just about the inability to do our jobs. We are doing students a disservice by allowing them to hang on us at any given time of the day.
The Context of Touch
Our school is trying to teach children about respecting personal space as part of our positive behavior initiative, so the incessant hugging by adults (myself included) sends a mixed message, especially when it happens without mutual consent. As we have conversations about hugging practices with my school staff, there seems to be an underlying fear that if you aren't a "hugger," you are cold or aloof. We need to shift our mindset to think otherwise.
I feel strongly about the topic of consent and want my daughters to have healthy boundaries and ownership of their bodies as they age. We can teach consent at a young age, whether it be giving or asking for a hug. We all have emotional and physical needs, but we can be more intentional about how we express affection and discuss who is responsible for meeting some children's need for touch.
Students (and adults) should understand that hugs do not hold positive connotations for everyone, especially those who have experienced trauma. We need to be mindful of lived experiences and cultural norms. Students may come from backgrounds where hugs are not standard practice. They may have experienced hugs as a way to coerce or exude power over them, minimize abusive situations, or passive-aggressively subdue conflict. I have even heard of school counselors and administrators who force students to hug as a solution to peer conflict.
On the other hand, some children long for hugs, but don't have the verbal, cognitive, or emotional capacity to ask for one. Teaching them signals to clarify what they do or don't want is an important life lesson.
Shift the Hugging Mindset
When children come to my office for discipline issues, the situations often involve unwarranted physical touch (accidents at recess, roughhousing in the hallway, unwanted tickling). When the student who initiated the touching apologizes, the victim typically responds to the "I'm sorry" with a "That's okay." I encourage the student to say, "I accept your apology, but it's not okay. Don't touch me like that again."
A sense of empowerment fills the room and the student's demeanor changes as if she had discovered a new piece of her identity. I want students to leave my office knowing that their bodies are their bodies. They decide how they receive touch and in what context. This shift in power also sends an important message to the student who is doing the touching, because there may be more serious consequences for unsolicited touching later in life.
During lunch duty, I get to watch students joyfully engage with their peers about the latest trend or how many loose teeth they have. When they ask me for a hug, the answer isn't always "yes," but they know that I care for them deeply and can impart life lessons I hope they will take into the complex world of dating later in life. My 7-year-old daughter told me the other night she likes that when she tells her friends she doesn't want hugs, they listen.
I looked at her and said, "Me too."
