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As Tough as Necessary: Countering Violence, Aggression, and Hostility in Our Schools
Chapter 3. Strategies for the Teacher
Students cannot stop hurting others until they stop hurting themselves. Students cannot begin to care about others until they begin to care about themselves.
If you grew up in a neighborhood with a strong sense of community before or during the 1950s, perhaps this story sounds familiar to you. When you walked to school each morning, you knew you would pass your friend's father waiting for the bus to go to work. Occasionally you would see another friend's mother peeking out of her window, checking out the people on the street. Yet another mother would wave hello and tell you to have a nice day. These people knew you, and you knew them. They made you feel protected and safe.
When you felt like misbehaving, you knew you'd better be careful because someone who knew you probably would find out and either deal with you directly or, more likely, tell your parents. You weren't so much afraid that you would be punished, although that might happen. More devastating was that your parents would be disappointed in you. That was one of the strongest deterrents to misbehaving.
This sense of community, as well this sense of values, is no longer a reality for many young people. It is common for many to be unaware of who lives next door. Ironically, it seems that in the last few years, we've increasingly heard that "it takes a village" to raise a child. The First Lady of the United States, Hillary Clinton, even used the phrase as the title for a 1996 book. Although the phrase has become trite, it is true that the community influences the child.
While much attention is correctly focused on the absence of family values as a cause for many of today's problems, lack of community support is also a serious factor. In past years, a child from a dysfunctional family had a good chance of being mentored by a caring adult from his or her community: a friend's parent, scout leader, religious leader, or teacher. Some children still have this experience, but not many.
Educators need to create classroom and school communities that establish accountability for student behavior in a nurturing, caring context. Schools are communities in and of themselves, and they can model values, just as individual teachers do. In schools committed to reducing violence, the community can and does make significant positive differences.
We have found that the development of responsible, thoughtful behavior in children is directly connected to dominant messages that they receive telling them they are respected, understood, and accepted. Stanley Coopersmith's (1967, 1975) work in self-esteem provides a good model for approaches, techniques, and strategies needed to work with today's youth so they make healthy choices that get them what they need while staying safe from the violence that too often results from unexpressed aggression.
Coopersmith found that students with high self-esteem had three factors in their family backgrounds that distinguished them from others: family warmth, clearly defined limits, and a democratic atmosphere that encourages children to learn and practice decision making and problem-solving skills.
These factors influence children in the school as well as the home. Our observations and research tell us that the continuous presence of these characteristics in classrooms is significant in helping students make positive choices. It also is essential that students experience real conflict in controlled settings so that they improve their skills at both recognizing and resolving conflict. Our fourth guideline, recognizing and resolving conflict, acknowledges that need by explaining how conflict between educators and their students provides opportunities for students to witness effective nonviolent ways to defuse possible power struggles that they might use when faced with similar conflict. When discussing this fourth factor, we show educators how to effectively defuse power struggles with individual students and how to handle group misbehavior.
These four factors form the basis of a classroom and school structure designed to promote nonviolence: warmth, clearly defined limits, a democratic atmosphere, and recognizing and resolving conflict. Students who come to school without respect for themselves or others, who have not learned to share, and who have little appreciation for values like courtesy and responsibility need to learn them from adults who care. We must rethink our schools and how they can express themselves in a more family-like way. The recent Carnegie Report's (1996) recommendations that high schools limit size to 600 students, allow teachers only 90 students, and pair each student with an "adult advocate" seems congruent with this concept. That is how you build an intimate, family-like culture in a school.
Although few educators would argue the need for personalizing the learning environment, budget limitations make it difficult to see how achieving these outcomes is possible in the near future. However, if we are serious about connecting with kids before they become violent and teaching them better alternatives after an incidence of violence, then each school and every individual educator needs to accept the challenge of identifying and implementing practices that make kids see school as an affirming, compe building place. This chapter identifies those practices within the context of four factors.
Warmth
Warmth is one of those elusive concepts that is hard to define with words but easy to recognize when it is present. For students, warmth can best be described in terms of the school being a place where they are respected and loved. Who they are is valued more than what they know. Warmth exists when the development of policies and practices is guided by the question, "How will this improve students' lives?"
At a recent seminar at a suburban high school, a 23-year veteran teacher challenged the idea of his school becoming more student centered. He said, "This school belongs to us (the teachers), because we'll be here long after they (the students) leave. They are visitors here for a few years, and then they are gone. They need to conform to our expectations." Although this colleague's skills and talents are important, he misses the core issue. Without him, the school would continue to exist. Without students, it would not!
We must remember that school is for all children, including those we find unattractive, those who misbehave, and those who don't give it their best. It is our professional duty to welcome and teach them with enthusiasm, care, and courage. To do less diminishes ourselves and all of society.
Without doubt, it takes a deep commitment to fight the temptation to turn away and not engage those students who seem unpredictable, weird, or aggressive towards themselves or others. A friend recently related an incident where she saw a boy in the hall of her high school banging his head repetitively against a locker. Two nearby teachers pretended not to see this worrisome moment. They were understandably afraid and uncertain.
Having been trained to work with difficult youth, my friend approached the boy, got close to him, and told him, "Wow, how terrible the day must be for you. But you can stop hurting yourself now, and then we'll start figuring out what to do next." When she reached out her hand to his, he stopped, acknowledging his inner turmoil. Later, when she asked one of her colleagues why he simply walked past the boy, she was at first told, "The kid is crazy, and that isn't my job!" The same colleague later confessed to being scared.
It is important that we confront our fears and, when necessary, develop the skills that help us know what to do in difficult situations. When I first began working at a facility with juvenile delinquents who were incarcerated for having committed crimes, some violent, a part of me felt terrified. There were times I met one-on-one with a youth in a secured room with nobody else around. I found myself doing things to befriend the residents, ostensibly to develop rapport in my role as a psychologist. That was, of course, necessary and okay, but I could feel and hear the voice of fear from within motivating each of my moves. I was essentially unable to engage the children's fears and anxieties because I was afraid that they might lose control and hurt me. It was only when I confronted myself honestly, and took some self-defense training that I never needed to use, that I felt confident to really be myself and reach out without fear.
When we are afraid of our students, it takes courage to acknowledge the fear and then develop a plan that increases self-confidence. Violent students need confident teachers who know what to do when control is at issue. It is when this confidence is in place that our strategies of "warmth" are especially effective.
With so many students lonely and hurting for a sense of belonging, it is often the "little," basic human things that make major differences. Good teachers have always done things to make their classrooms a welcome place. Many are comfortable greeting students as they come in the room, calling them by name, or simply saying hello with a warm smile. Although simple, these are the kinds of practices that create warmth for all students. We now explore these and similar practices in more depth.
Greet Students
Make it an everyday practice to say hello to each student. If that frequency is unrealistic, then greet each child no less than twice each week. Welcome them as they arrive. Convey the attitude that your classroom is equally their classroom and you are welcoming them home. Students really appreciate thoughtful gestures from their teachers like a greeting card, a birthday card or a "good job" note. A welcoming smile can be just as effective.
Call Students by Name
Learn your students' names early and use them often. People are impressed when you know their names, and they feel good when you convey some personal knowledge about them. Further, it is much easier to command respect during disciplinary moments when you know a student's name.
Several teachers have asked for advice about what to do with students who act inappropriately in the hallways between classes. Often they will preface their question by asking for advice in disciplining students they don't know. Our advice is simple: Before getting into the complexities of why a student is misbehaving, first get to know the student's name, then ask him or her to stop.
Know Who Students Are
It is critically important to know your students' interests, perceived strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes. In this way, you can connect with them before frustration leads to withdrawal or aggression. Interest inventories, student surveys, and incomplete sentence forms can elicit a wealth of helpful information in a nonthreatening manner, although some parents may consider this a violation of privacy. Should that be an issue, simply hand out an index card and ask students to write down what makes it hard for them to learn and what helps them learn. By limiting the query to learning, privacy issues are fully respected.
Use Touch and Other Nonverbal Messages
Various studies have found that no more than 10 percent of the meaning of a message is contained in the words spoken. The remaining 90 percent is a combination of nonverbal expression and tone of voice. Some fear that volatile students will misinterpret the meaning of nonverbal messages and react in a violent manner. Many others of us have been warned against touching children because of a growing fear of lawsuits. In 1994, the National Education Association raised the issue of a policy against touching children. While we understand their reasons, the need to nurture many children makes a less-inclusive policy preferable. When educators do not use all of their tools, it is harder to reach and connect with students. Although all but the safest of communications entail some risk, the reality is that most intentions are correctly interpreted. Nonverbal communications will most often enhance relationships in proper ways.
Donna Rogner, a 1st grade teacher in Chicago, resolved this dilemma in a unique way by developing a policy that she called "H or H." She told her children that each day when they entered the room they could have either a hug or a handshake. They could decide and then tell her. She reported that this method was highly effective in getting the day started in the right frame of mind for her group of very difficult children. To our surprise, a 10th grade high school history teacher who was in one of our training seminars tried this method with his students. He privately told us that they loved it! He found it to be a wonderful method to use occasionally (two to three times each month), and he added that if too much time passes, some students will seek him out privately and ask if today will be an "H or H" day.
Since this colleague's experience, we have been challenging middle school and high school teachers to create techniques like this within their own zones of comfort. Most are amazed at their students' receptivity and responsiveness.
"Don't let us slip by and say `Oh well, he's bound for the pen anyway.' Get us involved in our school: in football, or drama, student council, whatever. If there is a need for someone, they, by human nature will answer to that need." — A male student |
Let Them See Who You Are
Students who are turned off to school and are at higher risk of being violent often have very negative associations while in school. For them, teachers are authority figures against whom to rebel. They often ignore or greet high achievement peers in a disdainful way. We need to generate different "movies in their minds" so that they come to see school as important and meaningful. These students especially need us to show a personal interest in them so that they begin to make positive associations with school.
Go to an event when it is likely that one of your students will be present, and greet him or her personally. Identify one or two students who usually make themselves unattractive to you and interact with them in a personal manner for two minutes each day for two consecutive weeks. Acknowledging birthdays and asking about a special piece of clothing or jewelry also helps change a student's point of view.
It can be extremely effective to call high-risk students at home to discuss an issue or to just ask how they are doing. Very often, conflict situations can be resolved in this manner. We send a very strong signal of respect and significance when we think highly enough about a student to take our own personal time to call. The message is powerful and often transforms their perceptions when students hear such statements as: "Joe, I was upset in class today and I thought this might be a good time for us to put our heads together and come up with a solution that will work for both of us." Or, "Mike, threatening to cut up my tires tells me that you are extremely mad. Although I've thought about calling the police, what I really want is for you to help me understand what I did that made you so upset. I thought this would be a good time to talk it over."
There is both safety and intimacy over the phone. The phone provides a safe barrier for students who need distance or who present in a physically threatening manner. The teacher is able to get within earshot of a student who otherwise may react negatively to close proximity. Finally, the phone provides privacy. There are no other students to attract through inappropriate behavior or who are around to comment on the interaction.
Teach to Diverse Learning Styles and Multiple Intelligences
With his theory of multiple intelligences, Howard Gardner (1983) postulates the existence of seven distinct intelligences. He claims that only two of these are highlighted in school. Those with high linguistic (word analysis and usage) or math intelligence (logical reasoning) tend to do very well because schools usually emphasize these content areas. In contrast, students with high "body" (kinesthetic) and musical intelligence tend to get into trouble more often because of their need for movement. For example, we tend to assume that the pencil tapper or rapper is being disruptive rather than viewing her as needing, feeling, or expressing an inner rhythm. By expanding our definition of what constitutes intelligence, more students will be included in the learning process and school can become a less frustrating place.
We often ask teachers who attend our seminars to think back to a class that they found difficult as a student. They knew that this class wasn't a strength, but they had to be there anyway. We then ask these same educators to imagine that their entire school experience existed in that class and that all future classes would be similar. These images are usually sufficient to help colleagues feel how it is to be in a place where expectations don't match strengths.
We would do well to incorporate into our daily curriculums learning experiences based upon what students have told us they find motivating. Among the practical approaches most students find motivating are interviewing people, making collections of things related to concepts presented in the classroom, going on field trips that integrate actual and academic experiences, working on projects with peers, acting things out, and conducting independent experiments (Goodlad 1984, 1994). The work of Armstrong (1993, 1994) and Lazear (1991) provides educators with many practical ways of integrating instruction so that children with diverse strengths can benefit. When we are truly serious about including and noticing all students, we might even adopt unconventional solutions. For example, Kuykendall (1992), offers the possibility of schools establishing comedy clubs so that class clowns have a sanctioned outlet for attention and fun.
Focus on Academic Competence
Since academic achievement is the primary yardstick that many students use to measure their self-worth in school, educators must devise ways of helping each student become an academic winner. It is no surprise that the vast majority of troubled students who cause trouble in school are among the academically unsuccessful. They often decide that there is much more honor in acting "bad" than in looking "stupid." Others just toss in the towel quietly while rage builds inside. It is essential that we use practices that prevent students from becoming discouraged learners, or use effective interventions when they are discouraged, so that a real sense of self-worth fueled by genuine accomplishment can build confidence. The following are proven ways:
Ensure Success. A 5th grade teacher turned around the behavior of several students in her class by simply changing one important approach. Any time she asks a question, the student to whom the question is asked owns the question. She continues interacting with that student until either that or a related question has been successfully answered. In this way, students learn to anticipate being successful. Disruptive behavior in this class dramatically decreased, and class participation dramatically improved.
When I recently visited a high school math class, one student gave a wrong answer. I watched with great curiosity as the teacher worked with the student for several minutes until she understood how to do the problem correctly. Later, I asked the teacher why he spent so much time with that one student. He told me that it was his job to ensure that all students understand the material. He stated, "While I know that I can't always devote the time during class, it is my job to do everything possible, short of doing the work or taking the tests for them, so that students, even reluctant ones, get the knowledge they need!"
Highlight Effort. I recently observed a homogeneously grouped class of low achievers who had gained a negative reputation among teachers in the school. As I watched these children go from class to class, I was struck by their obvious need to show that they didn't care. Many came unprepared, several collected zeroes, and more than a few were quick to challenge authority. Yet they behaved very differently with Mrs. Lorenz, their social studies teacher. I noticed that consistently, in a genuine way, she made each of her students feel safe for the efforts they made. As she returned an assignment to a student who had received 60 percent, she said, "You did a great job on questions, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. But I noticed that you didn't do the others. Those have to do with exports. I must not have done a very good job teaching that. I'll be reviewing exports in the first few minutes of today's class, and then you can do these others if you'd like to improve your grade. Either way, congratulations on the answers you completed. They were done very well!" In her class, the difficult students were highly motivated, concerned about their performance, and eager to improve.
Encourage Mistakes. In her book My Posse Don't Do Homework, LouAnne Johnson (1992) describes a situation where she is teaching "The Taming of the Shrew" to a challenging, academically underachieving class. She asks a question and no one answers. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, a boy "without a shred of confidence" gives an answer. He is a boy who rarely answers and almost never volunteers. Johnson, in disbelief, wants to pat him on the back. But as she approaches, he sinks into his seat, embarrassed. She reaches into her pocket, pulls out a dollar bill, and gives it to the boy. He looks at her and says, "Was that right?" She answers, "No, but that's not important." Another student challenges, "How come he gets a dollar for a wrong answer?" She answers, "Because sometimes it takes a lot of wrong answers before you get the right one. But if you're afraid to think, you'll never figure anything out" (p. 186).
While payment for risking wrong answers has its own problems (including going broke!), the larger point is to find ways of encouraging students to take appropriate risks that expand their knowledge and make them hunger for more.
It takes a love of learning to genuinely rejoice in the mistakes of our students. We know a teacher who regularly thanks students for making errors. She'll enthusiastically tell the class, "Tanika made an excellent mistake. She did the whole long division problem correctly except she added instead of subtracted. That serves as a good reminder that we can know how to do something well, but paying attention to those little things like plus and minus signs can make a difference. Thanks for making that mistake Tanika. We can all learn from it."
One of the principles of Project Essential (Ewing Marion Kauffman Foundation 1995), a Kansas City-based self-esteem program that is yielding impressive results, is that we all make errors and can learn from them. As early as kindergarten, children are taught to think and say, "Oops, I goofed!" when they make cognitive or social mistakes. It is impressive to watch students more willingly risk and eagerly learn in such classrooms.
Focus on the Positive, Especially When It's Hard to Find.Some students are hard to appreciate. They irritate and know exactly what buttons to press and how to press them for maximum irritation. It is easy to understand the desire to withdraw or fight with such students. Yet, we must remember that their angry, negative ways often reflect their own self-hatred and their misguided life events, not ours. While interacting with these students can be unappealing, it is our professional responsibility to never give up searching for ways that may turn them around. Wise teachers invest preventive time by calling or writing regularly to students and their parents at home to share appreciations, ask for suggestions, and provide feedback.
Johnson (1992) describes another student, Callie, as an attention-seeking, disruptive girl who yawned loudly while looking straight into her teacher's eyes. Sweet smiles and insincere apologies would follow. Johnson decided to write Callie's parents a note telling them how much she enjoyed having her in class and that she was a bright student with a delightful sense of humor and a B average. She handed the note to the girl, unsealed, and asked that it be given to her parents. Callie never yawned in class again.
Mr. Parselli had done all of the usual consequences in efforts to "motivate" Jose to come to class on time. He talked with him, called home, gave late slips and detention, and kicked him out of class. It was all to no avail. Frustrated by Jose's continued tardiness, Mr. Parselli used an unexpected method. Such methods are designed to promote a sense of confusion or surprise because an unusual response has been given to a predictable situation.
To use paradoxical methods, it is necessary for the teacher to depersonalize the student's inappropriate behavior. The teacher also must adopt the attitude that the student is more important than his or her behavior. It is a variation on Haim Ginott's (1976) focus on valuing the person while disapproving of the behavior. In this case, Mr. Parselli approached Jose after class and said, "Jose, I would like you to be in class on time, but for reasons I don't understand, that is not happening. I want you to know that even though I am not happy that you come late, you are an important member of our class. I can see that you listen, you sometimes give an answer, and you are often friendly. If there is anything that I can do to help you get here earlier, please let me know. If not, I'd rather see you late than not at all."
Growing numbers of students who lack adequate nurturing and attention will resist change when they don't trust. Because people are often frightened by change, they are more apt to take a risk when they are not forced to let go of the familiar. In the presence of an encouraging teacher who invites but does not demand change, many youth will try on an alternative behavior because they know that they will be accepted either way. In Jose's case, change was not possible because as the oldest of several children in a single-parent family, he was responsible for seeing the younger children off to school. While Jose continued to come late, Mr. Parselli reported a marked improvement in his attitude after their talk.
Have Fun
Classrooms with warmth are notable for their emphasis on fun and enjoyment. A growing body of research indicates that fun leads to or is part of high classroom achievement. Colwell and Wigle (1984) note that humor may be a motivational device for reluctant learners. Whitmer (1986) explains how to use humorous literature to teach critical reading. Vance (1987) found that if the interest or arousal level of a group was low, the use of humor to introduce the lesson raised these levels so teaching and learning took place. With so much anger and depression in the lives of children, school can become a refuge where escape into fun is an important part of the planned experience.
Allow yourself to laugh, and permit your students to enjoy being with you and each other. We believe that every educator ought to do at least one planned enjoyable activity with every class each day.
Listen, Listen, and Then Listen Some More
We are convinced that most problems that interfere with learning would never occur if each student had at least one important adult in his or her life who regularly listened with caring and concern and without judgment. If every child had 10 minutes a day with this caring adult who listened about victories, defeats, joys, and hurts, the power of connection would override most other factors.
We cannot provide this for all students to the extent that it is needed. But we can offer our willingness to connect by noticing the realities that our students face. All that may be needed is a tone of concern expressed to a student who walks in with a grumpy face. For example, if you see a student with a grumpy face, asking how things are going with a caring, concerned voice lets him know that he is not alone.
Some children and teenagers do better when they can write down their joys and frustrations and share them with someone who cares. In the classroom, there are many small ways to accomplish this. Put out a suggestion box and invite students to offer ways to make the class a more satisfying place. Assure them that you will either implement their suggestions or tell them why you won't or can't. All suggestions that are signed can be treated in this way. To avoid silly or offensive suggestions, give students language parameters that they must respect. All unsigned suggestions may or may not warrant feedback. Set aside time to answer the perennial question "Why do we need to know that?" Invite older students to keep a journal; younger students can color about their feelings.
A middle-school teacher in one of our sessions recently shared her strategy of offering all students "two days off" each semester. If she detects that a student is agitated, overwhelmed, or burned out, she suggests a day off. A student may request a day off when he or she believes it's needed. The student remains in class and is expected to be nondisruptive but is not required to actively participate.
Tommy Smith, a middle school teacher in Orlando, Florida, has a "baggage box" in his classroom. He explains to students that everyone carries "baggage" (problems) and that from time to time this baggage may be so heavy that it gets in the way of learning and concentrating. When students bring their "baggage" to class, he encourages them to anonymously write about what is bugging them, place it in a sealed envelope, and put it in the box. At the end of class, students may reclaim their baggage or leave it. All old baggage is discarded at the end of the day. Many students take advantage of leaving their baggage behind. Those who want to reclaim their baggage put a symbol on the outside of the sealed envelope to denote ownership. To assure privacy, if they want it back, they must show the symbol they used on a separate paper to Mr. Smith, who then retrieves the envelope. It is rare for students to reclaim their note.
Teach Empathy
The best way of building a sense of community among all students is to model and encourage displays of empathy in the classroom. One of the most powerful things an educator can do is simple, but requires courage: apologize. When we blow it and know it, an apology expresses genuine remorse that is essential to the development of conscience and empathy.
A high school teacher recently shared his graphic "MY I" strategy that he uses with his "general" class. Each week, Mr. Aziz draws a full body self-portrait and pins it to his shirt. The words "MY I" are written on the portrait to convey ownership as he lets his students know that words and deeds can either be supportive or disrespectful. When his students say or do things to him that he considers disrespectful, he takes a scissors and cuts off a body part to note injury. His original goal was to get through a day with at least one body part remaining. Four weeks into this practice, improvement was so dramatic that on average only two body parts each week were trimmed.
The concrete symbol of a person being cut served as a powerful point of awareness and source of learning. It became common for students to ask him what they had done when he cut off a body part. He learned that most of the time his students did not intend disrespect. Their statements reflected the "in your face" society so prevalent in the United States. He later expanded this practice so that students participated in like fashion.
Mrs. Hanson, a high school special education teacher, creates a "hot seat" in her classroom. Any student with a gripe towards another can request "hot seat" time. While in the hot seat, the offended student gets to tell his or her view of an incident and express his or her feelings. The accused student is given an opportunity to respond. This continues back and forth until both sides have expressed themselves. The class remains present so that everyone observes. After the aggrieved students have had their say, the class participates in brainstorming solutions that will improve the situation. Mrs. Hanson reports that many of her juniors and seniors encourage the younger students to take advantage of this problem-solving opportunity.
An elementary teacher we met models patience with her young children by writing PATIENCE on the chalkboard each day. She teaches about the virtue of showing patience as well as the frustration we feel and the time we lose when we act in ways that upset people's patience. Then she explains that when things happen in class that challenge her patience, she will erase one letter at a time. Letters left at the end of the day are traded for extra play activities as both a token of appreciation and consequence of thoughtfulness.
On a regular basis, empathy is taught by placing students who seem not to care about others in positions to help either people or pets. Usually, they need to be supervised because students lacking empathy have often been emotionally wounded and abused. They have shut down to people as a means of protection. They also may harbor resentment for the hurts they have experienced and are therefore at greater risk of hurting or abusing others.
Many hurting students are reawakened to empathy through supervised experiences in which caring is requisite. For example, we worked with juvenile delinquent youth who became actual clowns and then entertained children at nursery schools and seniors at a nursing home. Many of these boys became more sensitive through this experience, as they realized the positive effects their behavior could have on others. We believe that street-toughened kids can make excellent mentors for severely disabled children and the elderly. Preliminary anecdotal reports indicate a very good fit between these groups.
We have observed difficult, oppositional youth who are mentors willingly performing such basic functions as feeding and changing diapers. At school, challenging students can be offered supervised "big brother" opportunities in which they help a younger child in need.
Though all of the activities above can help, there is no exact formula that nurtures warmth in a classroom. Much depends upon attitude and intentions. Warm classrooms have teachers who deliver interesting lessons that connect with students. These teachers have a sense of humor and instruct with a personal touch. Their classroom conveys a sense of ownership for everybody.
The words of Jorge Alemo, a teacher in San Antonio, Texas, provide a good picture of how warmth affects learning and behavior.
As a kid growing up in West San Antonio attending a 99 percent Hispanic school, I respected the teacher that provided a positive attitude coupled with fair discipline. I respected the teacher that disciplined me fairly and respected me. I was very shy back then but I was full of pride. I would think positive things but I would keep them to myself. To teachers that were disrespectful I would give the silent treatment. I did not like being yelled at or made to feel inadequate. . . . [Now, as a teacher,] I respect and acknowledge the existence of students each day. I model the respect that every human should expect. I seek to learn from them. In conducting my class, I follow the guidelines of retail management. I believe that every teacher should be a salesperson. The classroom is a store. In order to make a sale/teach, the students must understand the information, like what they hear and see, and be able to picture themselves with a better life because of what they have learned.
Questions and Suggestions for Building Warmth in the Classroom
Since there are a multitude of ways to build warmth in your school, the key is to identify practices that are compatible with who you are. By connecting the practice with your style, genuineness is the result. We offer some questions and suggestions to help you get clear about what you want to do.
When you visit someone in their home, what are some things they do that help you feel welcome?
What are some practices that others do that help you feel welcome in their home that are applicable in the classroom?
What teachers did you have when you were in school that made you feel special or important? What did they do that gave you that feeling?
Identify at least three practices that you can do to promote a sense of connection with your students in the classroom.
Think of one or two students you currently have that you find unattractive. Are you willing to devote two minutes each day for two weeks with at least one of these students in an effort to develop a more meaningful relationship?
Visit at least three other teachers in your school while they are teaching. Identify practices that you see them doing that you consider to be good ways of building warmth.
Think of one or two students you currently have that create problems in the classroom who appear to be of relatively high influence in the eyes of their peers. These students are often effective at influencing "wannabes" to join their behaviors. Call at least one of them at home to discuss your concerns in an effort to find solutions.
Clearly Defined Limits
Students need secure, confident, respectful adults who are appropriately confrontational when they go over the line. In earlier books, we wrote about the importance of having clear and specific rules that are connected to a set of principles or values that define the classroom atmosphere (Curwin and Mendler 1988, Mendler 1992, Curwin 1992). Readers who want specific step-by-step guidelines in establishing school or classroom rules are referred to these earlier works. We focus in this section on ways for educators to interact with students so that the implementation of rules is most effective. Our observations lead us to believe that how we do things is much more important than what we do. A good rule that is connected to its principle but poorly implemented is much less effective than a poor rule that is enforced effectively. The best practice is to have good rules that are effectively enforced.
Schools need to be "safety zones" with policies that provide for the safety of students and are made public and repeated as often as necessary. Within the classroom, each teacher should emphatically support principles of nonviolence, have rules that support these principles, and then teach students appropriate alternatives for expressing anger and frustration.
The most effective and respected teachers express their beliefs, demands, and expectations within the context of clear values and goals. They have found a way to be firm and hold students accountable while treating them with dignity and maintaining their own dignity.
Many teachers are faced with impulsive students whose hostility can quickly escalate. We must learn and remind ourselves how to enforce rules without threats while being both assertive and respectful.
Don't Threaten
Students who are out of control do not respond favorably to threats. An alternative is to use active listening. If a student says that he is going to slash your tires, it is best to say something like, "That would be very upsetting. I need my tires, and I can see how angry you are! Let's see if we can find a different way to settle this." Remember that being emotional in a tense situation usually conveys a lack of self-control.
Prudence is advisable as well. If need be, alert school security or the police. Do it, don't threaten! Threats are easily disguised as warnings or choices. No teacher ever says, "You better stop, I'm threatening you!" Instead they say, "I'm warning you!" Children know that it is not the words but the intentions that define a threat. Be sure your choices are not simply veiled threats that are made of two alternatives: Do what I want or I'll punish you. These types of veiled choices often elicit violent countermeasures, particularly with students who become easily agitated.
Use P.E.P. (Privacy/Eye-Contact/Proximity)
We have repeatedly found that a confrontation with an audience exacerbates explosive situations. When a student who is prone to violence breaks a rule, it is best to quietly and privately talk with that student (privacy). Be near the student (proximity) and make nonthreatening eye contact (eye contact). The latter may be forsaken if students get defensive and refuse eye contact. Cultural and emotional issues are often at the root of such refusals, and it is simply wiser to communicate in a respectful manner with privacy and proximity than to force eye contact. P.E.P. works best when it is periodically used to convey messages of appreciation as well as correction.
Say No Respectfully
How we say things is often more important than what we say. Some years ago, we worked with a personnel director in a school district who had the unenviable task of telling teachers that they were being laid off during an especially tight fiscal time. It was remarkable that this man's caring manner and supportive words had these very teachers extolling his virtues after he broke the news.
In any classroom, part of the job of the teacher is to say no. When we do, it is important that we maintain the dignity of the student to protect our relationship with the child and to sustain the student's motivation. Simply saying no and offering your best reason in a concise manner is effective and appreciated: "If I said yes or allowed that to go on, I wouldn't be doing my job. My job is to make sure that we respect each other and cooperate together."
Assert Yourself
Mary Cantrell (1992) cites the research of C. Ronald Huff, who suggests that fear invites intimidation. After a two-year study of Ohio youth gangs, Huff said, "Contrary to much `common wisdom,' teachers who demonstrate that they care about a youth and then are firm and fair in their expectations are rarely, if ever, the victims of assaults by gang members. Rather, it is those teachers who `back down' and are easily intimidated who are more likely to be the victims of assault. During two years of interviews, not one gang member ever said that a teacher who insisted on academic performance (within the context of a caring relationship) was assaulted. Such teachers are respected far more than those perceived as weak. `Weakness' generally represents a quality to be exploited by gang members in an almost Darwinian fashion, much as they select targets on the street."
To be verbally assertive, use I-Messages that tell another person what is bothersome and what you want instead. For example, "Joe, I appreciate that you pound your fist on the desk rather than on someone's head. That shows self-control. I'd also like to discuss nonpounding ways of saying when you are annoyed."
Convey nonverbal assertiveness through body language that includes an upright posture, free-swinging arms while moving, and head up with firm yet nonthreatening eye contact. When working with violence-prone youth, it is beneficial to take a class in self-defense if for no other reason than knowing that you can defend yourself against physical attack. That builds confidence that makes it less likely that you will ever need to use such skills.
"I don't think much can be done to absolutely eliminate violence, but if there is no time to commit an act of violence, then an act of violence can't be committed." —A male student |
Johnson (1992) talks about her first day on the job in a class that had eaten up three earlier teachers. She relates a story about an altercation with a group of burly high schoolers, one of whom had just thrown a large dictionary that barely missed her head.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds and mentally transported myself back to Marine boot camp, where I had met my first instructor. Barely five feet tall, she had the presence of a giant. Her primary weapon was her eyes. When she looked at you, you knew you were being looked at, inside and out. I prepared myself to make my students feel 100 percent visible. . . . I opened my eyes and marched down the center aisle toward the young man who had thrown the dictionary. I didn't slow my pace as I neared him. When I approached, his friends edged to each side, and he tried to step backward. . . . I stopped a few inches in front of him. "Excuse me," I said, biting the tip off each word. "I would appreciate it if you would sit down. . . . "He held my gaze for about two minutes but couldn't handle my close presence. . . . Finally he cleared his throat and asked where I wanted him to sit. . . . I stepped aside and pointed toward the front seats. Then I flashed him a bright smile and added, "Thank you very much, young man." (p. 25)
Questions and Suggestions for Clearly Defined Limits
Take a few moments to begin reflecting on specific rules that you think are necessary for good learning and teaching to occur. Identify the value or principle that guides the rule. Discipline is best when students know what to do (rules) and why it is necessary (values/principles). The questions that follow can help you get clear about creating effective rules that are based on principles that support learning.
What rules do you expect students to follow? Be specific.
How do these rules support learning? Imagine your students are in front of you. Tell them how you think their learning will improve by following the rules.
What are the values or principles that support your rules? We have found that rules only make sense when students understand and value the principles upon which they are based. At-risk students become especially angered when they view rules as arbitrary and controlling. List your values (such as, All students should solve their problems nonviolently, We value respectful behavior when we disagree with each other) and then the specific rules you think are necessary. These should each be congruent with the value.
Democratic Atmosphere
Explosive and potentially dangerous students often feel powerless. But there are ways of signaling and demonstrating to them that they have influence over what happens to them, and that their input at school is valued and important. In our Discipline with Dignityprogram (Curwin and Mendler 1988), we have long advocated that schools involve students positively as decision makers and problem solvers. They can be invited to assist in developing values, principles, rules, and even consequences in the classroom. When problems occur, student input is often helpful. That gives them an important sense of involvement and ownership which often translates into commitment and responsibility. It is not unusual for some of the most difficult youngsters to become class "behavior monitors" when empowered in this way. They begin to monitor each other and eventually themselves.
When students realize that their thoughts and opinions are valued and may be important enough to influence policy, students participate in a democratic process. Becoming skilled at making decisions while realizing that some will be supported while others are not is an essential life skill for success in a democratic culture.
Teachers need to realize that a growing number of students have little actual control in their lives. Students need us to help them feel in control. Listening to them and giving them a say in the routines, activities, and rules that affect them at school can make a positive difference. Following are some ways to involve students.
Invite Students to Develop Principles for the Class
Because the most effective rules are developed from principles and values, the first step for empowering students and involving them in the structural processes of the class is to have them express their values and ideals. All rules will be developed from the list of these principles. The teacher will often get the discussion started by using schoolwide principles or rules as a guide (e.g., "The school policy states that no weapons are permitted on campus and may be grounds for expulsion. Why do you think we need a rule like this at school?"). The teacher can also use his own needs to frame the conversation (e.g., "I have a hard time teaching when folks call out answers and interrupt each other. Why might it be important to you for others to not interrupt while you are speaking?").
Have Students Develop Rules for the Teacher
This allows students to express their expectations for their teacher. The teacher leads the process by asking students to create rules that he or she will follow to help them learn. Rules must be clear and specific, behavioral, and related to educationally sound values. Teachers have two choices for those infrequent times when students propose unacceptable rules. The first is to veto the rule. There is no override allowed for a teacher veto, although it is critical that an explanation accompany the veto. Otherwise, students may see the process as bogus. It is rarely necessary to veto when the appropriate criteria have been used (i.e., the rule must help you learn or not interfere with the learning process). Some criteria for vetoing are:
The rule violates a schoolwide rule or a law.
The rule does not match one of the teacher's important values (thus reinforcing the link between values and rules, and model ing the having of values).
The rule interferes with the learning process.
The second choice when the teacher is uncomfortable with the rule is to give it a trial for a limited time. For example, if students propose "no homework," the teacher may put the rule on trial for as long as one week while developing a simple system to evaluate the effectiveness of the rule. She might give a daily quiz on the content of the homework and allow only those students who demonstrate success on the quiz to continue with the rule. Obviously, this option is limited to proposed rules that the teacher views as undesirable but not dangerous.
Have Students Develop Rules for Each Other
Students are more likely to follow rules that are important to them and that they create. In addition, developing rules is an excellent beginning for learning responsibility, understanding the concept of limits, and feeling in control. Ideas can be discussed during class or in small groups, or by submitting suggestions individually. For example, as a homework assignment, the teacher might ask students to think of rules that are important. A cumulative list can then be developed to guide further discussion. The same criteria apply for student rules for the class as for student rules for the teacher. They should be clear and specific, behavioral, and related to educationally sound values. Once again, it is okay to stretch your boundaries, but do not accept rules you cannot live with.
Allow Students to Vote on Negotiable Rules
It might be better for young students or those with very little practice in generating ideas from scratch to vote on a set of rules developed by the teacher. These rules should consist of guidelines that aren't absolutely necessary in order to run the classroom effectively. The distinction is between rules that are essential and therefore non-negotiable (e.g., hitting) and those that are important but unessential (e.g., seating preferences, responsibilities for classroom routines). The teacher shares responsibility but does not surrender authority in this process. Her long-range view of the academic goals as well as insistence, when necessary, upon interpersonal decency guides the discussion. The teacher must be open to other points of view, encourage sharing, and stay focused on the educational goals that need to be achieved.
After the Teacher Defines Principles and Values, Have Students Develop the Rules
This variation allows students to develop specific rules based upon the teacher's principles. The teacher emphasizes the purposes of the rules by focusing on the values that are most essential, while the students do most of the work in creating or modifying the rules. The teacher and students also could collaboratively share the responsibility for developing both principles and rules.
We have found that what matters most is meaningful student involvement. The actual processes used are at the discretion of the teacher and should reflect his or her beliefs and comfort.
Do Specific Problem Solving with Students
Here are some questions for developing a democratic atmosphere:
Which suggestions are you most comfortable with regarding student development of rules and principles?
Think of the various procedures and routines that exist in the classroom. Which of these could be offered to students for their input?
To whom do you believe the responsibility for behavior in the classroom belongs?
What strategies can you think of that would help you promote responsible behavior through student involvement and ownership among those you identified?
Think of a student who is disruptive with classmates and with whom your efforts have had minimal success. You have already talked with colleagues and parents (if available) to seek solutions. Consider presenting your concerns to a group of mature students from the classroom and invite them to brainstorm possible solutions. What is the best way to present your concerns?
When problems persist with one or more students, there is little doubt that all others in the class are negatively affected. While we view the educator as the classroom leader, he or she is not the only one responsible for defining and maintaining standards. Students can be extremely effective in using their collective powers of persuasion upon those who interfere with the learning process.
When safety is the issue, students need either assurance or reassurance that their teacher will be the primary person in the classroom who will handle the situation. But students also can be involved as partners in solving problems when they occur in the classroom. In this way, they learn responsibility by practicing it. Establishing basic problem-solving procedures and then using them can be very effective. We suggest the following:
Ask students what is "good" about the problem. This will require them to define the problem clearly. For example, "What is good about calling people names? What is good about being called a name?" We begin with asking about what is good about a problem because that helps students see the benefits derived from the situation. Problems rarely get solved until people realize and understand what sustains the problem behavior.
Ask students what is "bad" about the problem. This will give them a chance to express how their learning and perhaps safety is threatened by the problem or the problem student. For example, "What is bad about calling people names? What is bad about being called a name?"
List all possible solutions to the problem. Use basic brainstorming procedures, then list all possible solutions. These may cover: suggestions for the teacher to solve the problem, suggestions for students to help solve the problem, suggestions for the problem student to solve the problem, or suggestions for others in school or outside to help solve the problem.
Decide on the best possible solution.
Recognizing and Resolving Conflict
I recently met a preschool teacher who told me about a 4-year-old child who constantly used guns in his play. He drew guns, built guns with Legos, and talked about guns. Her efforts to prohibit such play were met with even more intense aggressive play. She was understandably concerned that other children would become aggressive, and she was trying to promote an atmosphere of cooperation and nonviolence.
When I asked her if she knew much about this child's background with guns, she dejectedly told me that he had seen his cousin killed, and that his uncle was the recent victim of a drive-by shooting that took place in his home. The child was in the next room when this happened.
It was clear from our discussion that this young child was stressed, frightened, and preoccupied with these events and was reliving some or all of this through his play. In effect, he had no other place to turn for safety and meaning than to his play. His teacher needed help in seeing that to really give this child a sense of control, she needed to find ways to engage his need for guns within his play. Engaging a student means being a good listener who is willing to explore, work with, and attempt to understand the meaning of troubling behavior. I encouraged her to do a lot of "active listening" by following the themes that the child set. He needed to be engaged by someone who cared and was able to decode his messages. He needed to know that she would do everything she could to make sure he felt safe in the classroom. Eventually, the child's preoccupation with guns diminished, at least temporarily, though the absence of a strong emotional support network made his eventual outcome far from certain.
With so many children experiencing crises on an almost daily basis, we must reframe our concept of the classroom to include affirmation and validation of their real life experiences. Often, this may be painful and distasteful to us, because the decision to care means engaging rather than withdrawing from emotionally unpleasant experiences. Since wounded students who externalize their pain often project it onto those who are closest, we need to be prepared for their expressions of anger, torment, frustration, and humiliation.
The most helpful and effective response is for us to stand up without fighting back. We must let students know that we find their behavior objectionable, but that we are able to look beyond it while at the same time preserving our dignity and the integrity of a classroom full of shocked, wondering students. The major challenge with students who provoke us is to find ways to stay personally involved without personalizing their misery. Students who attack are virtually always under attack themselves. If they are attacked back, the never-ending cycle perpetuates itself. Since these students see the world as a hostile place, they often set others up to reject them so that their world view is confirmed. When we continue to care and refuse to give up, it is common for them to push harder and harder until finally they surrender to the possibility of bonding. It is not an easy process, but it is one that can be wonderfully rewarding at the end of the road. Most important, as professional educators, we must behave as if we can make a difference with all students. It is not for us to predetermine who will make it and who will not, who is worth the effort and who is not, who will wind up successful and who will be the next criminal. Our job is to teach all of the children. In reality, we won't reach them all, and there are some from whom we need breaks from the stress we feel when working with them. But in the end, we must stay dedicated to believing that change is possible and that our efforts may make the difference.
It is important to recognize that troubled students make us mad and stressed. They get to us because they are experienced in getting people to dislike them. It is important that we unwind by permitting ourselves to honestly and privately express these frustrations. We benefit by taking good emotional care of ourselves. We also benefit from periodic vacations from these students. It can be helpful to develop a support network with colleagues (including use of each other's classroom) that gives us space from belligerent students for brief periods. We are at our best when we work hard and are dedicated to not giving up.
Be prepared for power struggles. Difficult students test our resolve by trying to embarrass and engage us in battle in the classroom. It requires great courage and much skill to stand up and not fight back. Most problem moments can be defused through a combination of listening to the student's thoughts and feelings, acknowledging the student's concern, agreeing that there may be some truth in the student's accusation, and deferring to a private time for continued discussion.
Continuing to care and not give up means that we have to be well prepared and skilled in knowing what to do when students challenge authority. The goal is to resolve the immediate conflict so that attention can be returned to instruction as quickly as possible. The educator's response should be guided by preservation of the student's dignity, a display of assertiveness that shows the ability to stand up to conflict and not fight back, efforts to keep the student in class, and the use of strategies that students can use when they are confronted with similar conflict. Rarely are conflicts solved for the longterm in the presence of an audience, but effective responses are required to defuse problem situations so that instruction can continue when a student challenges in class. We offer a series of specific suggestions that are designed to defuse students when they attempt to provoke conflict.
Specific Suggestions for Defusing and Resolving Conflict
When you need to offer corrective feedback to students, us P.E.P. if at all possible (privacy, eye contact, proximity). Most students won't fight when their prestige is preserved. Keeping the message between the two of you is the one best way to make your point effectively while maintaining everyone's dignity.
Ask or tell the student politely but clearly what you want. Use the words "please" and "thank you" without begging (e.g., "Bill, please use different words when you speak in class. I will really appreciate your cooperation. Thanks.").
Actively listen to what the student is saying without agreeing or disagreeing (e.g., "I know you're mad if you're using words like those. Let's get together later and figure things out.").
Actively listen to the student's feelings without agreeing or disagreeing (e.g., "You are really big-time upset. Hang in there a little while longer. Thanks.").
Tell the student that a power struggle is brewing and defer further discussion until a private time (e.g., "Juan, you're angry and so am I. Rather than get into an argument that won't solve our problem, let's calm down and talk later. I'm sure we can help each other out if we try harder in a little while.").
Ask the student to leave the classroom or, if that's not possible, take a time out somewhere in the classroom (e.g., Leah, right now I'm torn between solving our problem and teaching this book to the rest of the class, and it looks like you aren't ready to solve the problem with me. Please go to Mrs. Hanshee's classroom. There is a seat there for you. Come back when you're ready to learn. I hope that doesn't take very long.").
In extreme cases (e.g., the student refuses to leave, there's no help available in the office), invite the student to either stop the behavior or assume the responsibility for teaching for a short time. Role reversals can be effective in these extreme cases.
Let's look to actually see how to apply these suggestions. Mrs. Lewis is a third of the way through her lesson when she sees Joe beginning to tap a pencil on his desk. As she continues teaching, she walks toward Joe and quietly takes a moment to ask him to stop tapping (P.E.P.), "Joe, that's a neat rhythm, but it's distracting the other students. I need you to stop."
"I also think that parents need to be more involved with their children. They need to be a part of their lives more. Metal detectors and such help protect students, but it doesn't solve the problem." —A female student |
Joe says: "I'm not the only one. Why are you always picking on me?"
"Joe, you think I'm being unfair right now. Is that right?" (active listening)
"Yeah, every time I do something, you're always pickin' on me. How come you ain't never botherin' Felipe?"
Mrs. Lewis answers, "Joe, you must feel hurt and mad to think that I'm always after you. Let's talk about this later when we can figure out a good solution." (active listening with feeling, and deferring to a private time)
But Joe replies, "I can't stay later, and I'm just sick of this. How come you're picking on me?"
"Joe, I know you're mad, but if we keep this up, I know we'll wind up in a fight. Let's get together later when we can work this out." (more active listening and deferring to a private time)
"I don't have to if I don't want to!"
"You are right, Joe," Mrs. Lewis answers. "I can't make you. The real question is whether you can make yourself stop so that we can work this out without fighting." (agreeing and deferring)
"This class s—s!!"
"Joe, please stop or leave the class if you must. I hope you decide to stay, but if you don't, I'll understand. My offer still stands. Let's meet later when we can work this out." (leaving the class; deferring to a private time)
"Stuff it!!! I'm not leaving and you can't make me!!"
"Joe, I can't teach right now while we're arguing, so why don't you take over for a few minutes, and when you're done, I'll continue. (Gives up control of class for a short time. At this point the teacher needs to either get help, ask a student to get help, or do role reversal in which the teacher sits in Joe's seat while Joe teaches.)
It is important to realize that when educators stay focused on the goal of defusing, rarely is it necessary to move beyond the active listening phases.
To summarize, the best way of dealing with prospective power struggles is to avoid them. P.E.P. is the best way. When that is ineffective, some combination of listening, acknowledging, agreeing, or deferring will be effective most of the time.
The key is to remain in control when someone is blaming or becoming angry. The concept of staying personal without personalizing the behavior is especially needed in the heat of conflict. Finally, it is necessary to stand up to the assault without fighting back. In addition to the skills already described, we offer the following examples of words or sentences that often are effective when combined with the correct attitude. It is important to realize that each of these sentences is only an example that may or may not work for you. You need to find your words and, more importantly, define your own delivery, including body language, tone of voice, and speed to convey a calm, confident, professional attitude that is welcoming and assertive without being intimidating.
Practice in the Use of Defusing Skills
Imagine that a student is in class and challenges your authority by saying or doing something offensive and inappropriate. Read each of the examples below. Say each out loud at least a few times while imagining that you are actually talking to the student. Realize that some of these sentences will never be appropriate for you because of who you are. Others may fit right away. For most, some degree of practice will be necessary before you will be able to decide whether or not the statement can be made genuinely—and it is important to be genuine for these sentences to be effective. Children know when you are manipulating rather than communicating. Sincerity is more important than content.
At the same time, we need to realize that difficult students make us mad, which challenges our skill at remaining calm, anger-free, and genuine. That is why it is important to practice a skill before you are actually ready for implementation.
Defusing Statements that Avoid Power Struggles
I'm disappointed that you are choosing to use such angry words even though I'm sure there is much to be upset about.
I know there is a solution to this, but I don't know what it is right now. Let's meet later when we can really figure this out.
Your words (actions) tell me you are bored. It takes a lot of discipline to hang in there when you are unsure about why we are doing certain things. Thanks for hanging in there.
I know you are angry, but there is no problem too big that can't be solved. Let's use words to solve the problem.
You're just not yourself today, and that must feel lousy.
We both know there are other ways of telling how we feel while still being respectful. I look forward to hearing from you after class.
Throwing books (chairs, clothes) doesn't make problems disappear. It only creates new ones. Let's use our words to say why we feel so mad!
I really want to understand what I did to bother you. But swearing at me doesn't help. Let's talk later when we can be alone.
Wow, you must be feeling awfully mad to use those words in front of everyone. Let's talk later when we can work this out.
You must be mad to embarrass me like this in front of everyone. It makes me want to fight back, but then we'd never solve the problem. Later is the time to handle this.
I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me how you feel and I'm concerned. Any suggestions for improvement are appreciated.
There may be some truth to what you are saying, but it is hard for me to really hear you when you use words that are disrespectful.
That is an interesting opinion. Tell me more after class.
When did you start (feeling, thinking, believing) that? Tell me after class.
Now that you have read these messages, we encourage you to repetitively practice those you might use, or modify them in ways that make them more comfortable for you to say. Notice commonalties among the sentences. They are clear, specific, and brief but to the point and respectful of the other person, even when that person has been disrespectful.
Lowering Shields
Once a power struggle has occurred and a student has developed a hostile attitude, that may be visible or invisible to you. Something must be done to reduce hostility (possibly on the part of both the student and teacher). Lowering shields is a technique, borrowed from Star Trek, that not only is effective for teachers to use but also to model and teach students to use with others.
The Starship Enterprise raises its shields for defense and protection, but that prohibits communication and robs life support energy. Likewise, people who have their shields up have trouble communicating and existing in comfort in a perceived hostile environment. War is more likely to break out than peace. After an episode where shields are likely to be raised, take time to lower them before trying to teach, communicate, or problem solve. Examples are after an argument, after a student has been removed from the class or school and returns, after implementing an unpleasant consequence, or when a student is angry from an incident with another teacher.
In each of these situations, the teacher is the one who initiates contact. Hopefully the student will learn to initiate contact from a combination of your modeling, this experience, and formal instruction from an experienced adult. Once contact is initiated, the teacher as warmly as is genuinely possible says words similar to: "You and I had a bad time (yesterday, a few minutes ago, just now). I know it made you feel (angry, upset, unhappy, sad, hostile). I feel _________ myself. But I am truly glad you are (still here, back), and I want to start fresh. We both can make each other's day a little better. I'd like to do that for you, and I hope you are willing to help me. How about it?"
Follow with an outstretched hand, a high five, or a hug in a way that lets the student accept or reject your opening.
If the student accepts, then thank him or her and go back to normal activities. If the student rejects, then say, "You don't have to decide now. I'll do my part and start fresh with you. If you decide to start fresh with me, then let me know. I won't hold it against you if you decide you won't." Then return to normal activities.
When you use the Lowering Shields strategy, always do it privately. Be genuine. Never use words or make promises or offers that you do not believe in. Use Lowering Shields to restore harmony, not as a cover for mismanagement of ineffective consequences. It is a communication, not a manipulation. Do not force the student to accept your invitation and do not be personally offended if the student rejects. Often it takes students two or more incidents before enough trust is built to break through the shields, especially if the student has been attacked after lowering his shields in the past by other adults.
Questions and Suggestions on Defusing
To help you identify when to use defusing strategies and which one(s) to choose, reflect upon the following questions and suggestions:
We all have things that get to us. What are some things that students do or say that you find irritating?
Why do you think they do these things? What basic needs do you think they are trying to meet within themselves that motivate the irritating behaviors? Most problem behavior is sustained by one of these basic needs: belonging (everyone else does it); competence (hiding worries of intellectual inadequacy behind socially inappropriate behavior); power (control or influence); virtue (relative presence or absence of empathy); fun or stimulation.
What are you currently doing when students say or do irritating things?
Are your current behaviors effectively solving the problems?
What strategies can you identify that may be effective in meeting the basic needs that you think are responsible for the problem behavior?
Which sentences or strategies in this chapter do you think are applicable to the situation?
Pick a few of these sentences or strategies and practice them. At first, approach this task as an actor might approach new lines. Don't expect proficiency, and recognize that the final script will be different from the one you are currently rehearsing. Allow yourself the freedom to experiment with the unfamiliar, which will likely make you feel awkward and silly at first. Keep experimenting until you become comfortable with a defusing strategy.
Implement one or more defusing strategies when the problem next occurs.
"I think high schools with a lot of problems, should have surveillance cameras and metal detectors. Metal detectors would help with guns and knives in the school. The surveillance cameras would help with drugs and drug dealing. If the students knew they were being watched, they would be more unlikely to bring these things to school." —A female student |
Handling Group Behavior
Every educator knows that a discipline problem is harder to handle if it involves a group instead of an individual. When children hang around in gangs or cliques, they behave very differently than when they are alone or even in pairs. The collective study of group behavior is as expansive as it is fascinating. However, no research is necessary to know that students in groups are bolder, more cruel, less controllable, more likely to break rules, and more prone to violence.
Groups, like individuals, need control and dignity. Control helps them feel they have the ability to determine what happens to them. Dignity conveys that they are worthwhile to themselves and to others. When these needs are threatened, the group becomes aggressive and hostile even faster than an individual would.
The following suggestions apply to all groups within the school, including serious gangs or even small cliques of friends. They include various ways to recognize the needs of the group and to give them control and dignity in positive ways within reasonable limits. In that way the need for the aggression and hostility that lead to violent behavior is reduced.
Learning how to behave in a group is an essential life skill.Students need to learn how to maintain their own integrity and values when they conflict with group norms. They need to learn positive ways to impress others, how to walk away from trouble and still look macho. They need to know how to withdraw from the group when necessary. Schools are a natural setting for teaching these skills because most groups in a child's life develop in school.
It is easy to assume we are meeting this need by teaching group skills such as active listening, leadership, or staying focused during classroom group activities. Students learn a lot about group behavior from cooperative activities, but they don't learn how to say no to the group or when to make their own way. Teaching these skills as a regular ongoing segment of the curriculum is an important component to countering violence.
Not all groups spell trouble, no matter what they might look like. The kid with the shaved head, body piercing, and "Screw Everybody" t-shirt actually might be a friendly clerk from the local ice cream store who just likes to dress like his friends. Three or four kids with a sinister appearance might generate fear, disgust, or mistrust in adults just as the last generation did with long hair and tie-dyed t-shirts.
After the San Francisco Earthquake of 1989, gangs of kids roamed the streets for days, not looking for trouble but searching for elderly and immobile people to see if they needed help, food, supplies, or aid. By assuming the best in groups and from groups we are more likely to treat them with dignity and without fear. We can communicate both verbally and nonverbally that we trust and respect them. At the least we don't become their targets and at best we make allies who might help us handle other students in violent situations.
Show an active interest. Check in with students from time to time. Ask how and what they are doing in the manner of a curious friend rather than as a suspicious policeman. Even hostile, hard-core gang members respond in positive ways to individuals who show genuine care and respect. The operative word is genuine. Showing interest is not the same as being interested, just as showing respect does not mean having respect. All kids, especially those who have been marginalized out of the mainstream, are highly sensitive to phoniness and manipulation. They reject or even punish adults who pretend to care but really are manipulating.
Avoid sarcasm, insults, or negative comments about the way students look, talk, or act. Joking around is fine but don't let friendly teasing go too far. Teasing leads to "counterteasing," and what starts as friendly banter can lead to hurt feelings. Very few adults, let alone kids in groups, have the wherewithal to say, "That remark hurt my feelings. I prefer that you not say that anymore."
Notice little (and bigger) nice things students do and compliment them.
Never discipline, criticize, correct, or insult a group member when he or she is within the group. The resulting humiliation will destroy any chance of cooperation, and the student will feel it necessary to restore his or her image with friends. This usually means retribution, and you will probably lose any goodwill you have established with all of the group members.
Join in with the group without joining the group. There are many ways to share time and activities with various groups to develop ties and promote understanding. We can watch them play if they are on a sports or drama team or have a music group. Sit with them in the lunchroom and eat together, or simply spend a few minutes chatting at the bus stop or parking lot after school.
However, do not go too far and try to become an ersatz group member. Don't assume a greater role than appropriate or try to copy their unique language. Closeness and caring are important within the context of clear boundaries. If you get too close and learn information about an illegal or rule violating activity, they must be aware that you will take steps to stop them or at least report them. Never fall into the trap of playing at undercover, though. Leave that for trained experts.
Ask the group for help. One way of neutralizing the harm groups can do is to get them involved in positive activities. Even hard-core gang members have done community service when asked by those who believe the gang has had something positive to offer. Some gangs have patrolled the boundaries of city high schools to prohibit drug sales. A few gangs in Los Angeles (who prefer to remain anonymous) have had members speak to younger students in school about the danger of joining gangs and the remorse they had in becoming involved.
Many schools have successfully used the "co-opt" method with individuals and less dangerous types of groups by asking them to help solve the very problem they create. Some examples are playground abusers becoming playground monitors, lunchroom violators becoming lunchroom monitors, tough groups helping stop fights, and negative group leaders becoming peer mediators.
Another way to involve groups is to ask their opinions about dealing with group or gang-related school issues. What do they think about reducing vandalism, fighting, thefts, and put-downs?
Finally, there are an infinite number of altruistic possibilities within a school or the greater community (Curwin 1992, Mendler 1992) for groups of students to become involved in. We have observed the most hardened juveniles improve both short- and long-term behavior patterns when encouraged and permitted to be helpful to others who need them. Group members can all benefit from becoming big brothers, tutors, aids, monitors, and instructors.
When providing helping opportunities for groups (as well as individuals) it is preferable to help people, not things. Tutoring a younger student is preferable to sweeping a floor. In the improbable event that there are not enough people to help in your school or community, then pets or small animals, such as gerbils, are still preferable to things.
Solve problems or concerns of group members. Students often seek out students with similar problems or concerns. If a student is doing poorly academically, the likelihood is that his or her friends are too. Recovery depends on forming new relationships or changing the dynamics that sustain already existing ones.
If a student is hanging with a bad crowd, one of the most effective ways to change his or her friends is to solve the problem common to the group or deal with the unifying concern. Teachers and counselors can be especially attuned to both new friends that students make and to new problems and concerns that might lead to new associates. Early intervention is helpful in resolving problems that might lead to joining the wrong crowd.
Provide a new focus. Especially with groups of younger children, it is possible to provide a new focus to change group behavior. Activities such as athletics, music, art, drama, computers, or the volunteering suggested above can replace a negative focus like hanging around, getting into trouble, vandalizing, stealing, or other misbehavior. The school is an excellent facility to provide alternative activities both during school hours and after school.
This suggestion is separate from the worthy practice of inviting individuals within groups to join already existing activities, teams, organizations, or clubs. We suggest that the group as a whole become an organization, team, or club of its own. Having a new, more positive focus goes a long way toward minimizing violent or hostile behavior.
Divide turf. In some settings, gangs seem to control more turf than school authorities. In other settings, the influence of certain popular groups is stronger at determining school culture than the adults. When cultures clash, most students are influenced by those they most admire or fear.
It is impossible to eliminate the influence of groups, but we give ourselves more influence when we let go of issues over which we have little actual control. This involves two preliminary steps: being intelligent enough to know what you cannot control, and knowing what really matters most to the safety and well being of the school.
An impressive example is how a school in a suburb of Boston, Massachusetts, handled a dangerous neighborhood. Students were constantly wearing hats signifying gang colors and affiliation, despite efforts to stop them. Realizing that the only way to stop this behavior was to expel 90 percent of their students, the school met with the toughest gang and negotiated a deal (divided the turf). The school and the gang agreed to the following: The school allowed hats in the hall, lunchroom, and parking lot, but not in classes, provided no fights broke out. The rule would revert back to "no hats" after two fights within three days.
In addition, the gang and school negotiated for them to police the neighborhood and protect the elementary students on the way home. The school gave up nothing it could enforce and gained a great deal in return. A school cannot lose if it gives up what it can never have and gets something it needs in return.
Set firm limits. Some groups appear dangerous and others are dangerous. If we allow our fear to hinder our ability to exert authority, then we stretch the limits for which we hold the group accountable. A dangerous cycle can be created in a short time, as groups become bolder and more confident that they cannot be controlled.
Administrators, counselors, and a solid majority of teachers must overcome their fear and let groups know when they cross the line of what is acceptable. We cannot let fear stop us from insisting on acceptable behavior and enforcing rules when broken. If misbehavior continues, take whatever steps are necessary to see that it stops. Never allow prejudices against the group to determine when or if you see a rule violation, and always use discretion when implementing consequences, choosing the most effective ones for that particular group. And never allow broken rules to be ignored.
Discipline individually. In most instances, it is preferable to discipline individually when a group acts inappropriately. Students are usually more challenging when they are together, feeding off each other and escalating issues. Meeting alone with the group's leaders can be an effective way of being fair while preserving the integrity of the group and its leaders. This type of meeting is often an effective forum in using the power of the group to solve problems it creates.
Copyright © 1997 by Richard L. Curwin and Allen N. Mendler. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the authors.
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