If you think bullying is about anger, aggression, or conflict, think again. It's about contempt, according to author Barbara Coloroso. “Contempt can range from a disregard for another human being to loathing for that human being,” she said.
Barbara Coloroso
Because bullying stems from contempt, incidents of bullying should not be treated as “conflicts” between the bully and the bullied, she contended. “To put two kids—the target of a bully and the bully—in a conflict-resolution setting is to miss what it's all about.”
There are three kinds of bullying: verbal, physical, and relational, Coloroso said. Most boys and girls who bully others use verbal bullying. A small number of boys (and an even smaller number of girls) use physical bullying. “Girls have something far more powerful in their arsenal—relational bullying,” she noted. Relational bullying comprises shunning, excluding, isolating, and harming another person through rumor and gossip. “Often, we don't think of that as bullying.”
A bully can target anyone, Coloroso said. “We have this idea of the target as a weak, passive person. They end up being weak and passive after they've been bullied a lot. And the anger within them will often come out in one of two ways: either they will rage out—they will harm others around them—or they will commit what in Europe is called ‘bullicide.’ Bullicide is suicide by a kid who has been tormented and bullied for years.”
Too often, bystanders who observe bullying do not speak out against it. In a study done on Toronto playgrounds, Coloroso said, researchers videotaped children in various situations, including bullying situations. In 85 percent of the bullying incidents, there were bystanders. Yet “in only 13 percent [of these incidents] did a bystander act as a witness for the kid who was being targeted—by standing up and speaking out.”
To help combat bullying and other acts of violence, educators need to teach students how to think for themselves, Coloroso said. “We've got to teach kids not to use stereotypes,” she urged. “When kids can think for themselves, they're less likely to be led by prejudicial thinking.”
Educators should also teach students to act on what's right, even when there is a cost, she said. “When your 16-year-old's friends say, ‘Look at that person over there—different skin color, different religion—let's go mess him up,’ I want your kid to say, ‘No.’ Even at cost to himself, when his friends say, ‘What, are you chicken?’ ‘What, are you just like him?’ I want him to be willing to stand up for a value and against an injustice—to act with integrity.”