I still remember the very first time a student was sent to my office by his teacher. Tony was in the 6th grade, and I was his new principal. I was working at my desk one afternoon when Tony appeared in my open doorway. No words or movement; he just stood there. I figured I'd get the conversation rolling by asking him what brought him to my office. Tony shrugged, then after what felt like 20 minutes, offered, "I dunno. My teacher told me to get out and come here." I asked what he had done, and he replied with my all-time favorite response: "Nothing."
Unsure of what to do, I walked Tony back to class and asked his teacher why she had sent him to my office. Her reply stunned me. "Tony was getting on my nerves with all of his shouting out. I'd had enough of him, so I thought he should be sent to your office." In that moment, I realized two things: I needed to quickly get my teachers on the same page as I was regarding my role in discipline, and I needed to have a standard of practice ready when having discussions with students about their behavior.
I Cannot Be Your Bad Guy
My first order of business was to broach the topic of discipline with my staff. I kept my remarks short and sweet: I cannot be used as the bad guy in your approach to student discipline. This is problematic for two main reasons. It sends students the message that you alone cannot effectively manage their behavior, and that can breed an environment of disrespect in your classroom. Additionally, students need to see their principals as a caring adult and additional layer of support, not as a gauntlet thrower. What kind of school climate are we creating if the children are fearful of the person who is supposed to lead the building?
Creating a Safe Space to Share
Armed with only a little administrative experience, I doubled-down on what I had a whole lot of—a passion for helping children succeed and a fervent desire to flip the way my students viewed me and my role. I used those aspirations as my guide for student discipline. If I were a student sent to the principal's office, how would I want the experience to go? Which approach to discipline would lead to the most growth and learning, and minimize the likelihood of misbehavior recurring? What I wanted most of all was for my students to be able to reflect on their behavior, consider alternatives, and make a plan to do better the next time. These simple ideas (which entail student participation) would ultimately form the basis of the reflective conversations I use with students, to this day. Shared below are four easy-to-follow tips I live by when an unhappy camper enters my office:
- Give 'Em Room: I always ask the students sent to my office if they are ready to talk about the incident. If they say no, I give them two choices of places to sit in my office, offer a coloring page or a book, and tell them I'll check back in with them a little later to see how they're doing. I do this to avoid getting those lovely responses of "nothing" and "I dunno" that I mentioned earlier! Sometimes students need a few minutes to calm down.
- Seek to Understand: I try to take a neutral stance when talking to students about their behavior. This helps them become less defensive. My go-to line is, "Since I wasn't there when the incident occurred, would you mind telling me what happened?" This way, the student can't accuse me of taking sides. I'm just listening at this point. When they finish talking, I make sure to paraphrase so that they know I was listening: "So, if I'm understanding you correctly, you didn't like it when _____, so that's why you ______. Is that right?"
- Brainstorm Alternatives: After the student shares their take on what happened, I thank them. I do this to validate their lived experience. Our next step is always to brainstorm alternatives to craft a plan for making better choices in the future. I ask, "What other options did you have for handling this problem? How would the outcome have changed if you had responded differently?"
- Determine Ways Forward: The final piece to the puzzle is discussing the consequences of students' words or actions. We talk about who was affected by their behavior and what should be done about it. We use our school's behavior policy as our guide to settle on appropriate disciplinary actions. Sometimes the students are pretty hard on themselves, after having had the time to reflect!
In the course my year at the school, I had the chance to have a few of these reflective conversations with Tony. Although I couldn't undo what happened that first day, I am comforted by eight little words he said to me on his last day of school. "Thanks for always having my back, Ms. Taylor." No Tony, thank you.