Search the depths of any teacher's heart, and you'll find a truth that most try hard to conceal: there are some students you just don't like.
Here's another secret: some teachers favor some students more than others. "In either situation, it's not the best for the kids or the adults that we work with," stated Joy Bryan, an educational psychologist. She and Joyce Corbin, a reading specialist at Northampton School in Northampton, N.H., discussed this taboo subject with educators at the 2006 ASCD Annual Conference in their presentation, Students You Don't Like: How Your Teaching Is Affected.
"This is a topic that nobody talks about," Bryan observed. That's a problem, as these feelings don't go away just because they aren't acknowledged, she pointed out. What teachers think about students affects their interactions, so awareness is key.
Teachers must identify and understand why a particular student can push their buttons, so they can better control reactions that impede student learning. "Look at things from different points of view," Corbin counseled.
Frameworks for Reflection
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.—Wayne W. Dyer
Understanding is about self-reflection, said Bryan. When students get under their skin, teachers should always stop and ask themselves, “Why am I feeling this way?” They can then determine if one of three psychological states is influencing how they respond.
- The psychoanalytic perspective comes straight from Freudian theory, explained Bryan: how we react to another person's behavior is directly related to how we interacted with our caregivers, particularly our mothers and fathers. Bryan recalled a teacher who was harsh and demanding with her students. The teacher herself was the child of an angry alcoholic parent, and Bryan wondered if she could be assuming the role of that parent. Just because a teacher's parents weren't supportive, however, doesn't mean she will behave negatively toward problem students. Instead, she might play out the parental traits she desired and, in her teacher role, become "very supportive and nurturing of her students," Bryan pointed out.
- Transference often causes a teacher's strong reaction to a student. The teacher projects his own "personal drama" into the interaction, Bryan explained. A student, for example, "may remind you of somebody you didn't have a positive relationship with—an aunt, brother, or parent. You didn't find that person easy to get along with, so this student sitting in front of you isn't easy to get along with either." It's clearly unfair to the student; however, the teacher may not be aware of the transference. Still, Bryan asserted, he is certainly aware of the negative feelings, so the teacher needs to ask himself: "Is there any part of this that I own? Is the problem with me?" Students also project their dramas on educators, in many different forms. "I've had students call me Mom," Bryan said. Such idolatry may seem nice but has a drawback. Teachers may unwittingly hold fawning students to different standards than those they set for other students. And then there's countertransference, which happens frequently, according to Bryan. "A student doesn't like you, so you don't like him back and show it—and then he doesn't like you even more." That student's opportunity to learn in a stress-free environment is obviously compromised as a result, Bryan and Corbin pointed out.
- The shadow, another psychological state that can color teachers' perceptions of students, is a concept that comes from the work of psychologist Carl Jung. "Everyone carries a part of themselves that is unknown to them," Bryan explained. Sometimes a teacher's shadow qualities are revealed in how she feels about other people. "It doesn't have to be negative," Bryan noted. "Perhaps you grew up in a family where it wasn't OK to be talented in the arts. You are, therefore, especially supportive when you have a student who is.
But, of course, the shadow can cloud the student-teacher relationship. "Think about envy," said Bryan. Teachers often work with students who are privileged, and it wouldn't be surprising if some teachers unknowingly envied those students, she reasoned. Envy can spark resentment, which is damaging to kids. "It isn't very conducive to them and their learning," she noted.
Matter over Mind
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.—Carl Jung
How teachers respond to students' behavior is a function of who they are, Corbin and Bryan said. "Awareness will help us not play out our personal dramas," Bryan asserted, and gives students a chance to learn "in the context of a healthy relationship."
Until it becomes routine and instinctual for teachers to consider other points of view, Corbin suggested they follow a four-step reflection process that can help teachers work with students they don't like.
- Write a statement. Consider a student who bothers you and write a statement about that student, Corbin instructed. She shared this example: I'm Mrs. Crispy, and I have a student named Larry. The first thought I have when I see him is, "What a slug!" Here's why: Larry doesn't do his homework and heads to the bathroom as soon as I start giving directions in class. His parents don't support me and expect me to bend over backwards to help him. He feels so entitled; I can't stand him.
- Ask yourself if the statement is true. Once you have written your statement, said Corbin, you should then ask yourself, "Do I know this is absolutely true?" In the words of Mrs. Crispy: Do I absolutely know that Larry feels entitled? I think he acts like he feels entitled, but I don't know for sure what's really going on.
- Consider alternatives. Now, consider what would happen if you didn't make this judgment about the student, Corbin instructed. How would you think about that person, and how might you act differently? Mrs. Crispy continues: If I didn't have this thought that Larry felt entitled, I might instead think: "Boy, Larry really has trouble with reading and spelling, and his parents have trouble helping him get homework done at home." If I didn't think Larry felt entitled, I would willingly give Larry the help that he needed.
- Restate. The final step is to restate the original statement, said Corbin, who shared Mrs. Crispy's revised statement: Larry is entitled to appropriate instruction because he's not succeeding in school.
When teachers go through these four steps, they "clarify what is going on," said Corbin, who successfully used the strategy to resolve a conflict with a colleague. "We shared an office, and for reasons I didn't understand at all, she made me crazy," Corbin said. After going through the reflection process, however, Corbin learned that at the heart of the conflict was a profound difference in personality. "When I was able to step away and look at it, I understood. I'm private. I have boundaries; she doesn't. She was comfortable with that; I wasn't. So I decided that I would take time to give her attention when it worked for me." Once a source of irritation, the colleague is now a good friend, Corbin reported.
Corbin and Bryan acknowledged that the process may not always work for all students. Certainly, Corbin said, "if students have chronic challenges, think about referring them to a specialist."
Consider behavioral strategies, too, advised Bryan. Although out of vogue with some educators, such approaches work particularly well with behaviorally challenged students. "One girl who loved art often failed to turn in her homework assignments," she recalled. So Bryan outfitted a desk in her classroom with art supplies. "If the girl turned in her homework, she was allowed to use the supplies at that desk."
By appealing to students' interests, teachers show they genuinely care. "Look for that one piece of the child that you can connect with," Corbin recommended. Because, added Bryan, the bottom line is that "your job as an educator is not to be angry at students. Your job is to help and guide."