A 7th grade student named Kevin helped Marianne Young come to a profound realization about parents and their school-age children: these parents are continually "in the process of losing their dreams of what their children will be and facing the reality of who their children are becoming."
Acknowledging and understanding the feelings of loss and grief that accompany that process can "change the way we deal with parents" when calling students' homes to discuss disciplinary or academic issues, asserts Young, principal at Monument Mountain Regional High School in Great Barrington, Mass. "We will have a new way of talking with parents," she says, that helps preserve the school-parent relationship and, more important, the parent-child relationship.
Kevin's Story
The beginning of the school year is always a time of hope, observes Young. She recalls Kevin's visible excitement as he entered the middle school where she was principal at the time. His mother was no less anxious. Kevin had had a disappointing elementary school experience and was glad to have a "clean slate." Kevin's mother assured Young that she wanted to be informed and involved. "'Call me the minute anything happens,' is what she said," Young recalls.
It wasn't long before that first telephone call home was made. Kevin's mother was receptive, and she and Young came up with some solutions. But Young soon had to call again, and this time the mother was not as happy. As the months went by, Kevin continued to get into trouble, and the mother continued to receive telephone calls—sometimes as often as twice a week. Although Young remembers the conversations as being professional and amicable, the mother eventually showed up at her office one morning and, says Young, "lambasted me. She criticized the core of me."
Differing Perspectives
The experience, though painful, was a turning point for Young. She resisted the strong temptation to rebut the mother's charges, point by point, and became determined to find the source of that parental rage. It occurred to Young that the mother's anger "had nothing to do with me," but, instead, with the unrealized expectations she had for her child.
"When we make those calls, we, as educators, see them as productive and positive," Young states. If Sally has trouble reading, "let's call right away. Let's get the remedial help in. We're going to help Sally." The parent, she notes, may have a different reaction. The parent may only hear that his child has a flaw, that something is not right. "Sally is not going to sail through." The parent then must let go of "the conscious or unconscious dreams" he had for that child—and he may resent the call.
A Kind of Grief
According to Young, the stages in this inevitable process are not unlike those of the grieving process that Judith Viorst writes about in her book Necessary Losses (see box).
First, there is shock. Sally's father may recognize that his daughter isn't reading like her peers. Still, Young states, "when the call comes, it's a jolt." The educator has taken away the father's hope that he was wrong and that Sally could read just fine.
Then, says Young, the truth of the situation settles in, and parents' attitudes toward you may begin to change. "They may begin to question your sanity, your credentials," she notes. School leaders "need to be aware of what is happening" and avoid becoming defensive. "If I get defensive, the parents know it, and we are no longer working together," Young states.
Finally, parents come to accept the situation. If educators have avoided using language that is confrontational and alienating, "there will be a positive relationship between the school and the parent," says Young. And, she notes, "parents will have maintained a relationship with their child."
Long-Term Benefits
Beyond the ultimate goal of supporting students, Young believes that schools benefit when leaders strive to understand how parents feel and to validate those emotions. "A parent who feels that he or she can walk into a school and be heard by the administration and by the teachers will leave that school and say, 'They listened to me.'"
When parents don't feel that their voices are heard, says Young, "they will exercise some power where they can. It can result in voting down the budget; it can result in letters to the editor." School leaders have to work hard to develop constructive, productive relationships with parents, she asserts. Those leaders have to identify and avoid the language and behaviors that alienate parents, Young says, and instead "think about what we can do to keep people with us."
Parent-School Relationships and the Grief Process
According to Young, this cycle starts at the beginning of the school year and continues throughout the year.
Phase 1 — Hope: It's a new beginning. Everyone cooperates.
Phase 2 — Disappointment: This comes with the first telephone call bearing bad news.
Phase 3 — Fear: The parents' initial reaction is to question the news.
Phase 4 — Avoidance: Then, denial, blame, and evasion set in.
Phase 5 — Restoration: Finally, parents become willing to listen and accept help from the school and the teacher. The result is a positive relationship and mutual appreciation.