We engage in countless interactions throughout the day; and, unfortunately, when communicating with others, we can't always avoid a little miscommunication. Even colleagues who work well together will have misunderstandings and miscues. It comes with the territory when people with diverse perspectives and opinions must collaborate to achieve the organization's common mission.
Conflicts will occasionally arise, but how can you communicate in a constructive, productive manner and negotiate your way toward mutual understanding?
Are There Any Hostages?
Former FBI agent and expert hostage negotiator Gary Noesner is a pretty persuasive person. During his 30-year career as a negotiator, Noesner has navigated intense discussions with terrorists, rioting prisoners, and kidnappers. Now an instructor at the FBI Academy and an author, the former agent notes that while most people's jobs don't include confronting hostage-takers, having strong negotiation skills can certainly get you through tough conversations.
"Being a successful negotiator boils down to effective interpersonal communication," Noesner tells The University of Virginia magazine. "Whether you're a parent, a boss, a neighbor, work in sales, or have a service job, interpersonal skills help build relationships, avoid confrontation, and de-escalate tense interactions."
What is Noesner's top negotiation strategy? Listen. "Try to understand the problems, needs and issues of others," he says. "Show authentic interest. Acknowledge what has been said. Paraphrase it. Restate the emotions of the person talking."
Next time you find yourself in a discussion that begins to spin out of control as tensions rise, try stepping back for a moment. Controlling the impulse to blurt out what you believe will be a brilliant point filled with indisputable facts and sound logic might seem difficult in the heat of the moment, but give it a try. Sometimes people just want to be heard. Listening to the other person's point of view will allow you to better understand what is really bothering that person—and it may not be what you initially thought. Ask questions. Try to understand that person's needs, and see how they compare or contrast with your own; doing so will help bring you closer to mutual understanding.
"Offer something someone wants in exchange for something you want," says Noesner. "Build a relationship of reciprocity."
The more you push, the more likely the other person will pull. But do try to push aside your feelings of anger and pride, says Noesner. Be patient, and stay calm.
Let's Talk Teamwork
Educators must work in teams to achieve a common goal. As with any group of professionals, educators bring diverse experiences, backgrounds, and ideas to the table. Therefore, working collaboratively requires individual teammates to communicate respectfully.
"Alternative views are the ore fields of rich ideas and creative possibilities. Invite and encourage their expression," Herbert S. Kindler writes in the Training & Development article "Tools for Managing Disagreement."
Communicating effectively means one is encouraging, motivating, informing, or instructing; not admonishing, shaming, or blaming. According to Kindler, communicating with "respect and empathy" is essential to defusing chaotic conflict. "Listen for what is being said—and not being said. Ask yourself, 'How can I discuss our differences in ways that are respectful, so that the other person doesn't leave feeling put down?'"
In the Harvard Business Review article "The Discipline of Teams," Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith state that "teamwork represents a set of values that encourage listening and responding constructively to views expressed by others, giving others the benefit of doubt, providing support, and recognizing the interests and achievements of others."
But sometimes, despite your sincere efforts to listen, engage, and understand, you still find yourself embroiled in an uncomfortable conflict.
"When there is a communication breakdown in the workplace, it is important to understand what went wrong and how you contributed to what did not work," Karren Kowalski states in the article "Tough Questions: Recognize and Resolve Communication Breakdown," published in The Journal of Continuing Education in Nursing. Kowalski notes that such breakdowns often occur when a person feels blindsided by an accusation. "In this situation, an angry or accusatory question may be spoken. When your response is dismissive or sarcastic, it exacerbates high levels of emotion that lead to defensiveness," she says.
Kowalski advises learning how to recognize the signs that you are starting to "lose it"— when an angry or emotional reaction is building within you. Identifying the warning signs might help you to stave off outbreaks of irrational or disrespectful behavior.
Two-Way Feedback Street
Especially in a school environment, giving and receiving feedback is an important function of conducting business. Have you ever been asked for feedback—maybe even repeatedly by the same eager person—only to find that when you gave it, the person reacted in a manner you found surprising, hurtful, or disappointing in response to what you perceived to be helpful and constructive criticism?
Particularly when the feedback process is conducted informally, it requires that both parties engage in open, honest, two-way communication. For example, let's say you are a principal and one of your teachers asks you to conduct an informal observation during her class and provide feedback. First ask, "What type of feedback are you hoping to receive? What are your goals for obtaining the feedback? Are there specific issues you would like me to focus on during the observation?" Both the giver and receiver should share a mutual understanding of the terms and conditions under which the feedback will be given and received.
Communicate specific feedback to minimize misunderstandings, advise Harriet V. Lawrence and Albert K. Wiswell in the Training & Development article "Feedback is a Two-Way Street." The authors explain: "Feedback that is specific avoids abstractions, perceived attitudes, and personal traits of the person it discusses. It is accurately detailed. And it is factually verified and documented."
Providing feedback such as "you did a good job" or "that lesson wasn't very good" are equally unhelpful to the teacher. Offer specific examples of what worked, what didn't work, what could use improvement, and some possible suggestions or resources that could aid the teacher in the specific areas you have identified for improvement.
If you are the receiver of unspecific feedback, request clarity to help forestall misunderstandings. Asking (calmly) for examples of specific instances to support the feedback can paint a more detailed picture and fill in some of the gaps where you and the giver of feedback stand on the issue of your performance.
By making feedback a two-way conversation, both parties take responsibility for acting like mature adults, committed to communicating effectively, engaging in a constructive process, and learning from the conversation in ways that positively benefit both participants. The act of giving feedback can open up opportunities for an administrator to learn more about what a teacher believes are his strong and weak points. It also provides an opening where they could possibly agree on skills that the teacher should develop or clarify ways in which the teacher is already doing well.
If you have given the feedback, don't be afraid to ask for some in return. Asking "Do you have questions about something I've said?" or "Would you like further clarification?" exposes you to a potentially challenging conversation, but can also help to alleviate misunderstandings on the part of the receiver as well as clarify information that you may have misunderstood or misinterpreted yourself.
"In productive and satisfying climates, people may disagree with each other's ideas during the give and take of feedback," say Lawrence and Wiswell. "But they can challenge those ideas. And ideas that are inconsistent with their own experiences and beliefs can lead to new learning— unless those ideas are discounted or disregarded."
Communicate with Compassion
Show some compassion when communicating with others. Have a heart; but remember, being a people pleaser, unwilling to hurt anyone's feelings, doesn't necessarily keep people's feelings from getting hurt.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach to effective communication; people who excel in this area read subtle signs that convey how others communicate and tailor their interactions accordingly. That is not to say you should behave in a manner that is fake or disingenuous; but it is important to consider that for various reasons—whether related to a person's cultural background or personality traits or to dealing with a sensitive issue—you should make appropriate adjustments.
But remember, the workplace is not your personal space. Although building and fostering friendships can be an important aspect of the professional environment, serving the needs of your learners should remain the primary focus. Therefore, when communicating with your colleagues, stay on task and behave professionally, whether you're sending an e-mail, running a staff meeting, or sharing ideas in a brainstorming session. And watch your tone. For example, although a teacher shouldn't speak disrespectfully to a student, neither should an administrator to a teacher, or one teacher to another. The rules of appropriate communication apply at all levels.
When difficult situations occur, put yourself in your colleague's shoes. If you were making a huge mistake, wouldn't you want to know? And how would you like to be told?
"Be your genuine self. Be sincere and respectful. This is the only way to forge a relationship that will allow you to communicate clearly," says Noesner.
And don't be afraid to apologize. It will only make you stronger.
